Love the Hardest Way
by I.Have.Fingers
Summary: "I'm Renesmee Bella-Carlie Mason and I've been falling for my oblivious best friend since I was three; Jacob Black. Heartbreak, here I come!" OOC AH AU Rated M for future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:: Hey! Here's my new story. It's a Jacob and Renesmee FanFiction. It's All Human and A-U and OOC. Thank you to my FUCKmazing beta Hans153 for being there for me and being an awesome beta! I never would've have gotten this done if it weren't for her! Thank you baby love! Love you lot's like and Oreo Blizzard! Go over to Hans153's profile and check out her fuckmazing stories at www . fanfiction . net / ~ hans153**

**Ok listen! I'm only going to say this ONCE during this whole story!**** I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT! STEPHENIE MEYER OWNS TWILIGHT! YOU THINK THAT IF I WAS SM, THAT I WOULD BE SITTING HERE ON MY ASS WRITING EROTIC FANFICION ABOUT MY OWN CHARACTERS? NO I DON'T THINK SO!**

**Please leave me some love! See ya at the bottom! **

**Love the Hardest Way**

**Preface**

**Nessie's POV**

I've decided that I'm going to give up on love. No one wants me. No _man _wants me. It might have something to do with that I'm a nut when it comes to certain things or the fact that when I meet a man and they tell me to tell them about myself and I end up telling them about all of my obsessions. And the one obsession that always seems to make them stand up and say 'I need to use the bathroom' and never come back is . . . Jacob Black; my roommate and my best friend since I was three. When we first met, we were in preschool. We were playing house and Jacob was the daddy and I was the mommy. I had given Jacob the baby doll that was our baby to go change its diaper. I got mad when he wasn't putting the diaper on correctly and pulled his long black hair and screamed at him that he was putting it on wrong. Jacob in return, turned around and smacked me in the face, screaming at me that I was a bad mommy for making the baby cry. We had both gotten time out. We have been inseparable ever since.

Jacob and I knew everything about each other. And when I say everything, I mean everything. I knew that Jacob secretly loves the movie 'The Notebook'; I knew that he lost his virginity when he was fourteen; I know that he sleeps around a lot. He knows that I have a girl crush on Mila Kunis; he knows what kind of birth control I take; he knows about my obsession with Gothic Metal bands; he knows I have a thing for men with eye liner; he knows that my hymen broke when I went horseback riding with him and his family on La Push beach when we were fifteen but never actually had sex. See? We know everything about each other. Okay, that's a lie; Jacob doesn't know that I obsess over him day after day. If I had my way, I would be married and making babies with him. I just wish that I was something more in his eyes besides a best friend. I know Jake loves me, but it's not the kind of love I want it to be; it's more an 'I-love-you-like-family' type of love. But I guess since this is the only type of love I'll be getting from Jake, I'll be glad to stay single for the rest of my life. He's the only one I'll ever want. And if he finds his true love I'll gladly support him. I'll also gladly stay a partial virgin; I'll gladly become a cat lady. I won't have anyone else, because I love Jacob and only Jacob. He may not love me like I love him but as long as he loves me like a friend; it's all I need in life. Sure it might hurt to see Jake marry someone else, to have kids with someone else, but I'll gladly take the pain just to see Jake happy. He is, after all, my best friend. I don't know what I would do without him.

**~Love the Hardest Way~**

Jacob Black was my first kiss. And last. We were sixteen and drunk. I was over at his house, and he had invited all of his friends over. We had all decided to get drunk and play 'spin the bottle'. It was Jacob's turn to spin the bottle and it landed on me. He leaned over and kissed my lips chastely. Even though it was just a peck on the lips, I'm sure it would be the best kiss I would ever have in my life. I don't think I could ever kiss anyone else who wasn't Jacob. I feel as if I would be cheating on him. But see, I'm not even dating him and he doesn't own me. No matter how much I wish he did. So leave it to me to cling onto his romantic love that is not even there in real life. I am such a fuck up. I love my best friend and he doesn't love me. Romantically I mean. I know that if I continue to fawn over him like I do now; I'll end up with a broken heart. But right now I could care less about if it breaks my heart. I won't blame it on Jake because I will have brought it upon myself. I will be mad at myself. But like I said, right now I don't care about heartbreak. I only care about the fact that I'm giving up on love and just face that Jacob doesn't want me like I want him. I know that when my heart breaks, no amount of duck tape will be able to fix it. And I won't rely on Jake to fix my broken heart because I know that if I do, I'll drive him away and possibly ruin his relationship with whoever it is he'll be with in the near future. I'll run away from this town, not looking back and I'll change my name and leave The States and buy lots of cats and name each one of them Princess Cornelia Venus Llama Donna Ding Dong. Hey, at least it's better than killing myself.

I am so fucked up, it's not even funny. Ironically funny, I mean.

I dream of kissing Jacob, of waking up in his arms every morning, of making love late at night 'til the early hours of the morning, of having his children, of growing old with him and watching our children grow up, of watching our children have children. But I know that this is just a dream; something that will never happen in life; something that too far out of my league; something that I want so much; something that I'm sure would make Jacob look at me like I have grown another head. That's why I am keeping this a secret from him . . . I'm never going to tell him that I obsess over him.

I'm Renesmee Bella-Carlie Mason and I've been falling for my oblivious best friend since I was three; Jacob Black. Heartbreak, here I come!

**A/N :: So tell me your thoughts! Oh! The cat lady part goes out to my beta Hans153 . . . I had to put that there because . . . well its private . . . but I had to put it there!**

**Leave me some love?**

**l**

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	2. Chapter 2

**A/N :: Hey! Sorry for the long wait! I've been . . . busy. Yes, before you ask, I am in the middle of writing the next chapter for The Virgin Nessie and the Head Banger Jacob. If you haven't read that yet, go check it out! I'm told that I am doing an awesome job on it! *wink wink* Ok, question that I all want you to answer in your review, is do you have twitter? If you do, read my author's note down at the bottom! Ok, so . . . I'm going to recommend a fanfic to you all. I hope you like Bella/Edward parings. If not . . . don't bother going to this fiction. Soldier Boy by anallbr :: http : / / www . fanfiction . net / s / 516 81 74 / 1 / Soldier _ Boy. And The Bet by summerleigh81 :: http : / / www . fanfiction . net / s / 5 39 14 53 / 1 / The _ Bet. Both are great! Now . . . this is the longest chapter I have ever written. I was nice and made it long and it took me forever! If you want MORE chapters like that, then you'll have to review, and wait a bit longer then you do like the other chapters. So it's up to you. Is it worth the wait? If you ask me . . . I say yes. But I'm just the author of this silly little story. Nothing more. **

**Boob grope and tongue fuck to my beta Hans153! Thanks for whoring yourself out to me babes! *wink wink* **

**Disclaimer: ~Stands up to mic~ Do I own twilight? **

**~Crowd~ NO! **

**~Takes a Sharpie and crosses out Stephenie Meyer's name on Twilight and replaces it with own~ How about now? **

**NPOV**

Just fucking great; we are going clubbing tonight. I don't mind going clubbing . . . it's just that Jake thinks it's fucking awesome to bring a bleach blonde anorexic slut with him every time damn time we go out. But I guess I would rather choose that he bring a girl with him than have him come home with him. I mean come on! My room is right next to his! It's kind of annoying hearing 'Oh, god Jakey! Fuck me harder! Oh! I'm coming!' all night. I mean . . . Jakey . . . really? God . . . I can't make up my mind rather if I want to laugh my ass off or go puke my guts out in the toilet. But anyway . . . back to my complaining about clubbing with Jake. One, I'm always the odd ball out. Two, my heart has to suffer extreme and horrible pain every time. Four, Jacob always seem very . . . verbose about the matter; meaning that he always 'jokes' about it when ever he can get the chance; saying things like 'Hey Nessie! You need to get LAID!' or 'Ness . . . I haven't seen you with a man in quite some time . . . you deciding to bat for the other team?' and yes before you ask . . . those jokes did hurt. But I never let the hurt show. I just put on a fake smile and I fake laugh and I fake going along with it. Because I know that if I let one emotion slip, my relation with Jacob now . . . will all be in the dumpster and down the toilet. And I don't want that to happen so I must keep all of my emotions and words in check or to myself before I let them out for the world to hear. Because God forbid that I let one little thing slip and Jacob as I know him will cease to exist in my life!

But anyways . . . I have to figure out what to wear. I'm contemplating on wearing a tutu and an over-sized 'I'm With Stupid' shirt just so that a way when ever a girl comes close to Jacob's lap, she's automatically leave because he's friends with 'me'. But then again . . . Jake might be a too embarrassed to even say that he knows me . . . so that won't work. Oh, well. I have vowed that I will not say a single word to him or anyone about my feelings for him. It would only result in—oh you already know! Okay, so back to my clothing for tonight; since a tutu and an 'I'm With Stupid' shirt has been over ruled, how about my black plaid mini skirt, a plane black tight fit v-neck shirt and my black gothic combat boots! I think yes! That outfit always makes the guys (and sometimes girls) flock around me like I am the last drop of water on the Earth! Call me cocky about my Gothic outfit, but its true! Tonight I am embracing my inner Gothic princess. She's been bugging me to let her out of for a bit. Speaking of Gothic . . . I need to call my mom and dad. They've just got back from their twenty year anniversary from Romania. Edward and Bella Mason (mom and dad) are totally into the Goth scene. I was raised Gothic. My mom and dad had little gothic baby clothes to put me in . . . I was a cute gothic baby. Ok, so enough about my gothic parents and back to my conquest for Jacob's heart. I'm never going to get it but I can't help but hope, pray, and fantasize that it will happen. Yes, I fantasize about Jake. You would too if you were in my predicament.

"Hurry the fuck up snail! This King Cobra needs to be at the club already!" Ugh! Couldn't he just give me another twenty minutes? "Jesus! I just got out of the damn shower! Keep you sparkle in your pants; I'm hurrying the best I can asshole!" Yes I know I was being a major cunt wipe right now, but seriously! Then man just needs to understand that I'm a girl and that I take A LONG time to get ready! I can't stay mad at him forever. I need to apologize; that was rude. But then again . . . if I apologized right away . . . he might suspect something. Now we don't want that, do we? No. Hell to the no. Ok, so now that I'm dressed, time for make up. Nothing to dark but nothing to light . . . I don't want to look like a slut but at the same time I don't want to look like I'm not trying to look like I'm not trying to look nice. Wow . . . that's what you call a tongue twister! Ok, so after I got my make up all on I went and grabbed my purse, put some money, condoms (you never know), lip gloss, mascara and spearmint gum in it. Ok, I think I'm ready!

"Fuck Renesmee! God, I don't know what the fuck crawled up your vagina and took over! All I was asking was for you to hurry up! I wasn't asking you too-," I opened my bedroom door and when Jake got a good look at the glare I had on my face, he shut up and stepped aside. "I'm ready. Let's go." I focused on the clunk of my boots as I walked to the front door to keep me from turning around and dropping to my knees and asking for his forgiveness. I must not let my weakness show. God forbid if I did. As I walked out of our apartment, I felt a strong hand grip my shoulder and spin me around. I was met with Jake's confused and worried eyes. "Ness . . . I'm sorry. That was fucking rude of me to say. It's just been a horrid day today and I want to get to the club so I can my drink on." Great . . . drunken Jacob is a pain in the ass; he's always so bossy and bitchy when he's drunk. I must not buckle and say that I should apologize and not him because then he'll see past my façade. I just need to accept his apology and move on. That is easier said then done. We all know that this damn fight or whatever you want to call it was my fault. It's time to put on the fake smile.

"It's okay Jake. I know you didn't mean any of it." Jacob pulled me into a tight hug. We hugged for what had seemed forever. I never wanted to stop. But all too soon Jake pulled away and simply stated that we needed to get a move on.

When we arrived at Es schmeckt wie Dunkelheit, we (well Jake) was bombarded by bleach blonde sluts with fake tans and, boobs filled with rubber, cheek bones that were probably made out of Michael Jackson's body, and of course clothes that were [probably] meant for a six year old girl. It just sickened me out. Why does he think that he must choose these types of girls? Does he not know that they sleep around (possibly even with each other) and could have some sort of venereal disease that could transform his dick into a tape worm? I guess not. I just prayed he used condoms every time . . .

"Jakey! Oh my god! You are so handsome! Oh! Who's this? You're little sister? She is SO totally cute!" God . . . her nasally voice made me want to puke my guts up.

"Uh no, this is Nessie my roommate and best friend." Don't forget to mention that I am hopeless and irrevocably in love with you!

"Oh. Nessie . . . like the Lochness Monster? How . . . interesting. Did your parents like not think before they like named you?" She better shut the fuck up!

"You're one to talk . . . Vaginlina." Jake said with MAJOR emphasis on the . . . Vaginlina. Were her parents on dope when they named her?

"Don't make fun of my name! It's Hungarian! My mom is Hungarian!" She ran off screaming. I turned and looked at Jake in unabashed laughter; that shit was funny as hell. I mean, the person who came up with that name must have been on some really good drugs . . . I bet she got made fun of a lot when she was in high school. I know I would have made fun of her. And I probably would have beat her up too. I would have done a lot of evil stuff to her.

We went inside the club and headed over to the bar. Jake ordered two Jager Bulls (Jagermeister mixed with Red Bull) and we headed over to a table where (conveniently) my best girl friend Victoria was sitting with her husband Nahuel who was rubbing her pregnant stomach. I wanted that. I wanted to be pregnant with Jacob's child. I wanted him to rub my stomach that was swollen with his child as he/she kicked. I felt the tears prickle in my eyes. I would never have that. No matter how much I wished and fantasized. I would always be single ol' Renesmee Mason. I will never have children. The only children that I want are Jake's children. Yeah, I know that it is picky and conceited of me to say that, but I can't help but say it, because I know I will never have any kids. I quickly willed the tears away, because unholy Gods forbid that I cried as I was walking with Jake over the table where Victoria and her husband sat, cooing about how their baby was going to be a soccer player.

"Nessie! Oh my god! You should have called me and told me that you were going to be here!" Victoria squealed as she got up the chair that she was sitting in and gave me a hug.

"I didn't know you were going to be here. Who's watching James?" James was their son that they had right after we had graduated high school. He was really a cute kid.

"Oh, my parents are; they're down here for the baby's birth." She said as she rubbed her stomach.

"Do you guys know what you're having? Or what you want?" I asked as we went and set down at the table.

"We're going to have a girl. I personally didn't care what we have, just as long as our baby is healthy and strong."

I didn't know what to say so I just said the first thing that came to mind. "That's good."

While Victoria and I were reminiscing about high school, Jake had gotten up and went to dance with some slut. I looked over at them and saw how she was grinding all over his crotch and how he grinded back on her ass. I think I threw up in my mouth and my heart broke even more. Victoria stopped in the middle of talking about how she once caught Aro blowing Alec behind the gym . . .

"Why don't you just tell him you love him?" She asked as if it were an everyday question.

"Wha-what do you mean?" I asked, acting like I really didn't know what she meant.

"Don't play stupid with me, Ren. I know that you're head over heals for him. I know this. Everyone knows this except Jacob. Everyone knows because of the way that you look at him. You look at him like you're waiting for him to turn around and run towards you and start making out with you! You're love sick." The fuck? Everyone know? This means that . . . oh fuck! What if she says something to him?

Victoria, sensing that the look on my face was one of worry; she immediately said that she wouldn't say a word to Jake. She would let me do that for myself. I thanked the unholy Gods and my stars that I have such a wonderful friend. Victoria has always been there for me. I don't know what I would do without her.

I had drunk three Jager Bulls and two beers and one Dr. Pepper. I wasn't drunk but I was buzzed. As I walked over to the bar to get water for Victoria who was making out with her husband, I felt a strong pair of arms wrap around my waist. I stiffened, ready to press my thumb into his eyeball and watch him fall to the ground as his eye will be unfixable.

"Relax, Ness! It's just me!" Phew! It's only Seth. I turned around and proceeded to slap him upside the head. In the words of Axl Rose; that shit just ain't cool. The creeping up on me, I mean.

"Ow! Hey! What was that for?" He feigned hurt.

"For creeping up on; you know how I hate that shit."

He nodded.

"So . . . Where's Jake?" I turned him around and pointed to Jake who was currently sucking face with a blonde bimbo slut.

"Oh. Well . . . I-I don't know what to say Ness." I knew that he saw the hurt look on my face and he (naturally) felt bad. I didn't blame; I would feel bad for me too. In fact, I do feel bad for me. But of course, that's me! The girl who is in love with her best friend! Joy! Seth and I had gone to the bar and grabbed a shot of vodka.

"Hey Ren, you wanna come dance with me?" Seth asked after we both downed the shot glass of vodka and slammed our drinks harshly on the counter.

"Yeah, as long as you don't do anything nasty; I don't want to feel your peen rubbing up against my booty!" He had a agreed and we both walked to the dance floor laughing. Seth pulled me into his arms as me danced to Haddaway's 'What is Love'. We had danced for what had seemed like forever until there was a in the middle of the dance floor. Seth had tugged me by the hand to the where the fight was to see who was fighting. I was shocked out of my skin when I saw Jake fucking up Marcus Bowman's face. I ran over to them and tried to break them up.

"Renesmee! Let go of my fucking arm!"

"No Jake! You'll kill! And then you'll go to jail!" I screamed at him. This didn't seem to stop him.

I took my thumb and pressed it hard into Jake's left eye; he rolled off of Marcus whose face was barely noticeable through all the blood.

"FUCKING LET GO OF MY EYE, BITCH!"

I let my hand down and crawled over to Jake, looking him in the eyes.

"Jake . . . why were you beating the shit out of Marcus? He's half your size!" Jake's eyes roamed the room nervously.

"He was going to take the girl I was going to take home." He said quietly. See? He's totally oblivious to my love for him.

"That's no reason for you to almost kill the dude!"

"Whatever."

I took Jake over to the bar and I ordered a Dr. Pepper and he had ordered three shots of whiskey. By the time Jake was on his eighth shot of Jameson, he was knocked over drunk. Literally, I could've knocked him over with my god damned pinky!

Jake had found another girl and I had decided to it was time for us to go home. Since I was the DD, Jake had no choice but to bring his slut with him to go home. When we had all got home, Jake was already starting to rip off slut's clothing and I could feel my heart break and my soul turn black. I had run to my room and hurriedly unbuckled my Goth boots and stripped all of my clothing and underwear and walked to my shower. I stayed in the shower for had seemed years. I got out and wrapped a towel around myself and walked over to my dresser and grabbed the Dr. Pepper boxers I had stolen from Jake last year and my '69 Eyes: Dead Girls are Easy' t-shirt and slipped them both on. I climbed into bed, hearing the moaning and groaning and thumping from Jake's room. I felt the tears pure down my face and the sobs wracked my body.

I fell asleep into a dreamless around three in the morning and the sounds of sex from Jake's room had not subsided.

**A/N :: Ok … Honestly … tell me what you think. Oh! And if you have twitter . . . You can follow me at :: www . twitter . com / I _ Have _ Fingers. You can follow Head Banger Jacob at :: www . twitter . com / HeadBangerJacob. You can follow The Virgin Nessie at :: www . twitter . com / TheVirginNessie. I give updates throught Twitter . . . I also post random shit on there . . . I'm ALWAYS on there . . . so are Head Banger Jacob and The Virgin Nessie. And '****schmeckt wie Dunkelheit' means 'It Tastes Like Darkness' German. **

**Links to Renesmee's outfit and jammies on my profile! **

**Leave me some love! **

**~Nikki**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey guys, I'm back. I know it's been eons since I've last posted. My life has hit the high end of low. My depression got the best of me. I'm sorry. I'm trying to write TVNHBJ but I'm thinking that I'm going to take it down and rewrite it. I know, I know. It's going to take awhile for it to be done but I'm going to make it ten times better. I'm also in the middle of writing my own book so I can get it published and make my dream of being an author real. But I also really want to thank all of my fans who have stuck with me and that are still out there. Thank you for your patients. **

**SM owns all and everything Twilight. Do you think an adult with a minimum wage job, a cat and an obsession with Halo 4 and Call of Duty would own Twilight? If I did … sure as hell know I wouldn't be here writing for you guys. **

**WARNING: If you are not old enough to buy cigarettes legally … then you are not old enough for this story. Sorry. Exit out. Exit out now. **

**NPOV **

I woke up in the morning, feeling like crap. My head was hurting like a mother fucker, my mouth tasted like a cat came and shit in it and my body was covered in sweat. I got up and went to my bathroom and took a shower and brushed my teeth in hopes that I could the cat shit taste out of it. But what the shower didn't help was my damn headache. My head hurt so bad that I wanted to go and beat the shit out of it for hurting me so bad.

After I had gotten dressed in dark blue jeans and my 'Spooning Leads to Forking' T-Shirt that I had stolen from Jacob along with the boxers, braided my hair and put on my make up, I went out into the living and picked up my iPod that was laying on the coffee table next to Jake's latest edition of Play Boy. Gross.

I put the iPod in the docking station that was next to the microwave in the kitchen and put it on the cheesy eighties song You Spin Me Right Round by Dead or Alive and jacked up the volume as far as the docking station would let me. Jake absolutely hated this song. So guess what?

Wake up call!

I started dancing around like a crazy person as I cleaned the already clean kitchen. Soon enough as the song was in its chorus; Jake's bedroom door opened and out came a hung over, makeup smeared-faced blonde bimbo who honestly made me flinch back in a fright because she looked like . . . she looked horrible. Ha!

"What is that terrible noise?" The bimbo asked as she stumbled into the kitchen and plopped down on the barstool that I had used to stand up to dust the fake plants on top of the fridge.

"Music," I answered as bent down to retrieve the cleaner underneath the sink.

"Hmph. Can I have some coffee, please? My head hurts and the only way to get rid of it is to drink coffee." She asked as she picked at her long manicured fingernails.

"Sure you can. But just to warn you, I put roofline* in people's coffee that I don't like." I said as I grabbed a coffee mug and a bottle of eye drops disguised as roofline*.

"What the fuck is roofline?"

I rolled me eyes.

"Roofie . . . the Date Rape drug . . . ring any bells?"

"Oh that. Are you really gonna put it in my coffee?" She started to get off of the barstool.

"Yeah . . . I don't like you and this will be easier to get you out of my apartment."

"You mean yours and Jake's apartment." She crossed her arms against her plastic chest.

"No I mean my apartment. It's mine, I bought it, and I pay the utilities. Not Jake."

"Well if you want me out you could be nice and not a bitch and just ask me to leave instead of threatening me with roofie."

I slammed the bleach that was in my hands onto the counter that I was cleaning and turned towards her.

"You listen, slut. This is my apartment, and I shall do what I wish. If I wish to kill you and go Dexter* on your ass, I shall do so, if I wish to go Sweeny Todd* on your ass, I will and if I wish to give you roofie, I sure as hell will."

She stepped back and fell onto the floor with a terrified look on her face.

"You can't do that! That's all illegal!" I leaned down and got in her face.

"What the police don't know won't hurt them," I said with a smirk. No, I wasn't really going to do anything of the stuff I said, but come on, I hate the bitch.

Just then, Jake appeared from his room, dressed in only plaid sleep sweats. I looked at his face and practically orgasmed; his hair was all messy and his face had sleep marks from his pillow and his eyes were squinted. He looked like shit but he looked so fucking sexy.

He walked into the kitchen and grabbed an empty coffee cup from the cupboard and went over the coffee machine and poured himself some. He liked his coffee strait up black.

Bimbo Slut was giving me the evil eye.

Jake looked up and met her eyes. His stance went stiff.

"Jane, you need to leave before Nessie throws her cooking knives at you." He said lazily.

"Wait, this is just a onetime thing?" She scoffed.

"Damn straight. I don't sleep with the same slut twice; especially one with a loose pussy, like yours." Jake said as he poured himself some Lucky Charms*.

Jake walked over to the living room and sat on the couch, propped his feet on the coffee table and turned on the TV to the news while he ate his nasty breakfast cereal.

I rolled my eyes as I sprayed the liquid cleaner on the counter and wiped in off furiously with an old bleached stained dish towel.

I noticed Jane was still sitting in the kitchen with a dumbfounded look on her stupid slut face.

"Yo, cock whore, I think Jake told you to leave. You might want to make a smart decision and grab your shit and leave. You've over stayed your welcome long enough,"

She rolled her eyes at, folded her arms over her chest and walked over to where Jake was setting and plopped down next to, as if I had never told her to leave. Whatever, though. It's not like I had any claim over Jacob. No matter how much I wish I did.

I don't understand why Jacob won't consider us being together; we're fucking perfect for each other. Jake and I grew up together; I know everything about him and vise versa. We live in the same fucking apartment, granted I pay for it all because money is hard to come by for Jake, but I love him and that's why I do it. What makes the whole situation even shittier is that it must be completely obvious to him that I'm berserkers for him.

It's like he knows that I want him, but he doesn't even want to think about being with me. I could be over thinking things, and over thinking things is bad in every way possible. I'd give anything to just be able to call him mine, to be able to have those cheesy moments that you see couples on TV have.

I want all of that and ten times more. But confessing to Jake would have to be my biggest fear. The fear of rejection makes my heart burn and my cheeks flush with embarrassment.

"Ness … I think the kitchen is clean enough, dude," Jake's voice broke me out of my deep thoughts.

I looked down at the counter I was scrubbing away at and dropped my towel on the floor and wiped my hands off on my shirt.

Jake pulled me into a hug, "Are you alright, Ness? You seemed like you where lost in your own thoughts,"

I looked up in his deep brown eyes and saw the concern on his face; he was genuinely concerned.

"Yeah … I'm fine … I was just thinking about how I'm going to stay a single old cat lady for the rest of my life," I mumbled into his chest.

Jake chuckled and pulled me at arm's length and looked me in the eyes.

"Ness, you are beautiful and amazing. You're not going to die alone with your cats. There are plenty of guys out there in the world and I'm sure one of them is looking for you," he says as he walk over to the cookie jar and grabs an oreo, "Oh that reminds me! You remember Gabe from my work? Yeah? Well I think you two would be great together. I'm setting you two up on a date." He winked and walked into his bedroom and shut the door to – and I'm assuming—to take a shower.

What the fuck? Those where definitely not the words you want to hear from the man who's babies you want to carry.

I felt the tears well up in my eyes.

All hope was lost. He just plain and simple did not want me at all. That was his way of telling me he wasn't interested.

My depression settled in … weaved its way through my rib cage and wove it's self around my heart.

I walked back to me bedroom, went to my night stand and grabbed two Ambien* and swallowed them dry and crawled in bed and cried until they kicked in.

I dowsed off into dreamless sleep.

Peaceful.

Numb.

Void of emotions.

Exactly how I wanted to be forever.

**A/N: *Roofline … date rape drug … ya'll know that.**

***Ambien … it's a prescribed sleeping medication. I take it. It's wonderful. **

***Lucky Charms … if you're from a different country and don't know what these are … they are a breakfast cereal. I don't like them, but to each their own. **

***Dexter is a TV show on Showtime … It's really good. But the books are better. **

***Sweeny Todd … must I explain? **

**Anyways … thank you all for reading … review and tell me what you think, if you would like. **

**I love you all. **

**~Nikki **


	4. Author's Note: Please Read

Hello all! I would first like to apologize for not updating in years. These past few years have been very, very busy. And I would also like to announce that I will be writing one story at a time now. I am placing a poll on my profile on which story you guys would like to read most of all. Again, I am so sorry for not updating like I should, but real life got in the way.

I don't care what story it is you guys choose, I will pick that one and finish it. I will try to update frequently . . . I will try to post on a schedule.

I'm also thinking of writing a Doctor Who fic … but I don't know. I've been having a lot of plot bunnies running through my head but what I firstly want to focus on is my Twilight fanfics. I would also like to thank each and everyone of you who have stayed with me these past years. I am currently writing my own novel and I do hope that it gets published but I also want to make you guys happy and continue my fics. I have truly missed writing and receiving reviews and responding to them. Also another reason why I haven't been writing is because my laptop was on it's last leg and about it give out. So for Christmas this year for Christmas, I received a new laptop. Even though I am way to old for Christmas. But I am glad I got one because it means I can write without my computer making Transformer noises.

I know this isn't an update, but it's a glimmer of hope. For you guys and for me. I will start writing when the poll is closed and you guys have voted on a story. I would pick which one to write but I have decided that it isn't up to me, it's up to the fans.

Any who, I hope that all of your holidays were amazing.

Look forward to hearing from you.

~I Have Fingers


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